How the Power to Parent Course Can Transform Your Relationship with (and the behavior of) Your Child
By Todd Sarner
MA, Parent Consultant and Course Facilitator
Being a parent today can be pretty overwhelming. There is a whole multi-billion dollar industry out there telling us the latest tricks and techniques of how to parent. Books, videos, and TV “experts” show us how to deal with problematic behavior so that we can have “good” kids. We are bombarded with advice from friends and family who usually have good intentions, but their advice doesn’t seem to work or just doesn’t feel right. In the meantime, some of the greatest problems we see among the children in our culture are on the rise. With younger children, we see a lot of opposition and defiance, bossy behavior, and more. In older children and teens, we are seeing more and more violence and aggression, bullying, drug abuse, premature sexual behavior, and underachievement in school.
With all the experts out there, with all the books and advice, with all the resources we make available to our children, why is it that these problems are growing? The roots of the problem lie in the fact that we are increasingly looking outside ourselves to what others are doing, not to what our particular child needs from us as a parent.
The beginnings of the course…
The Power to Parent Course (originally called “Making Sense of Children”) was created by Vancouver-based clinical and developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld. Dr. Neufeld has worked with children and their parents for over 30 years as a psychologist, parent consultant, and educator. He was a professor of developmental psychology and parent-child relations at the University of British Columbia when he started a series of informal discussions after class with a group of students. The student wanted to talk specifically about how the material they were learning applied in the “real world” to parenting. Soon, these groups got bigger and bigger and they had to move them to larger venues. He then started teaching the course to the general public, usually as an eight-week group, and it has evolved over the last 20 year.
In 2004, Dr. Neufeld (with the assistance of co-author Dr. Gabor Mate) authored his first book, a summary of some of the ideas he taught in the Power to Parent course. “Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More than Peers” was the #1 bestselling non-fiction book in Canada the year it was released and has been met with critical and professional praise across the world.
A different approach…
One of the things that is different about Dr. Neufeld’s approach is that his work takes a developmental, not a behavioral, approach. What this means is that when a child is showing behavior or learning problems, the behavioral approach will often show us how to use techniques to try to address these problems. In this way, the behavioral approach is concentrated on the symptoms, not the underlying issues. The developmental approach is to try to understand the issues from the inside out and look at behavior and learning problems as often having to do with the child being “stuck” at a stage in their development. The idea is that once you understand the root cause and address that root cause, the symptoms will naturally desist.
Because this approach is different than most of what is taught and written about in the mainstream parenting literature, parents often wonder if this approach has some of the “how-tos” that they are used to. The answer is yes and no. While there are practical examples and stories that Dr. Neufeld uses to help parents learn how to handle common problems, the emphasis is on the “how to BE” not the “what to DO.” When a parent truly understands their child, their unique needs, and who their child needs them to be, the “what to do’s” flow more naturally and you don’t need to keep going back to the bookstore for more answers.
As the world has changed, parenting has become more difficult.
Many parents have the sense that the environment in which they are raising their children is different from when they were growing up and when their parents were growing up. They feel like parenting is becoming harder or they feel guilty because they can’t seem to handle things as well as they think they should.
The core reason that parenting can be more challenging these days is because we have lost much of the cultural wisdom that once help support us in our roles. In the past, we may have been able to count on extended family being nearby. We could also count on our “village” of family, teachers, and neighbors to function as extensions of ourselves. The world is becoming more and more overwhelming and kids are in many ways becoming more sensitive, needing us more than ever. The way our culture is encouraging kids to become independent of us at a younger and younger age is the opposite of what they need.
Attachment is the key (even if it’s not what you think it is).
The single most important concept to understand when it comes to raising children is that of attachment. Attachment is a simple but profound concept that explains the human need to hold close and keep close those whom they hold dear. Most of the literature that people are aware of in North America about attachment has to do with early-childhood physical attachment needs- baby wearing, breast feeding, and co-sleeping. These things are all part of attachment, and can be critically important, but are just the beginning of a child’s attachment needs.
In his work, Dr. Neufeld explains that physical attachment is just the first of 6 stages of attachment, the rest having to do with psychological and emotional attachment. In general, a child will be able to progress through one of these levels every year or so for the first 5 or 6 years of their life. The deeper their attachment to their primary caregiver (usually their parent) the more secure they are and the less trouble they have with learning and behavior. When a child’s attachment needs are not met, they tend to become fixated on getting these needs met and they get “stuck.”
One of the greatest misconceptions people have in our culture is when they claim that attachment is not the answer for their child because their child is “too attached”. There is no such thing as too much secure attachment. The problem with these children is that they are insecurely attached and they become “clingy”. Their insecurity causes them to constantly seek out their parents to get their attachment needs met. With these children, we need to help move them into deeper attachment so that they can feel the security of the relationship, even when the parent is not present.
How many of today’s most popular parenting practices are making the problem worse.
If we assumed that almost every problem our children have with learning and behavior had to do with feelings of separation and insecure attachment, we would probably be right most of the time. Separation anxiety can cause our children to act up and do things they would never do if they were feeling safe and secure.
And that is at the core of why many of today’s parenting practices make things worse. Techniques like “time outs” and “1-2-3 Magic” use separation from us as a form of discipline. What kids are usually saying when they are acting up is that they need to feel more closeness with us, so when we then threaten to send them away (as with a time out) it can initially lead to “good” behavior because they fear the separation. After awhile, however, it stops working because the child feels too vulnerable and starts hardening themselves against the punishment. We have to stop using methods that send the message that we will use what our children need against them and that our relationship with them is dependent on their behavior.
Attachment is not a relationship of “equals”.
In our practice, some of the most common problems we see these days are ones stemming from dedicated, loving parents whose parenting style is that of trying to be their child’s friend first, rather than their parent. This becomes a tricky area that can be easily misunderstood, so I will explain further.
What our children need from us is for us to take the lead and act with an air of natural authority. This doesn’t mean we are coercive with our kids or that we treat them with anything less than total love, compassion and respect. It just means that children, especially the more sensitive ones, need us to be in charge and create a space of safety that allows them to rest.
When we don’t take the lead, our children may turn to others (like friends or other adults) to take the lead, or they might move to take the lead with us and become an “alpha child”. An alpha child is one who acts as if they are in charge and even bosses their parents around. Although an alpha child looks like they are very confident, these are often kids who are incredibly insecure and deal with their insecurity by taking control of everything.
What you can expect from the course…
The Power to Parent Course is an eight-week course that each week combines one-hour of video instruction by Dr. Neufeld with one-hour of facilitated discussion with a professional who has been trained extensively by Dr. Neufeld to teach the course. The emphasis is on understanding our kids from the inside out, their unique temperament and sensitivities, and how we can be who they need us to be so that they will feel safe and secure and grow into their own unique potential.
Some of the topics include: dealing with resistance and oppositionality, addressing the roots of aggression, preventing being replaced by competing attachments, addressing separation problems and anxieties, raising children who are capable of deep and meaningful relationships, dealing with children who seek to dominate (instead of depend on) their parents, and how to use discipline that is effective but doesn’t harm your relationship with your child.
The course has been carefully designed to help parents get the most out of the material. The mixture of instruction and discussion over eight weeks helps deepen understanding and create positive change. More than anything, the Power to Parent course teaches parents that they are their children’s best bet and they hold the answers to their child’s needs.
For more information on the Power to Parent course, including upcoming dates and registration information, please visit: www.transformativeparenting.com
Todd Sarner, MA, is a counselor and father who lives in Marin County, California. Todd is Co-Director of Transformative Parenting, a Parent Education and Consultation organization that also conducts professional trainings throughout the country. Todd is one of Dr. Neufeld’s most trusted students, having been selected to take part in the first year of his professional training program. Todd conducts trainings and classes in-person and online and also does consultations with parents on the phone and in-person. You can reach him at (415)289-6515 or at todd@transformativeparenting.com
